I’ve been examining how truthful I am, consciously observing when and how I might tell ‘white lies’ or crashing large ones! What’s the difference between these? I’ve been questioning whether or not they are in order to protect either myself or someone else, or in an attempt not to offend or disrupt a friendship or situation – consoling myself that it’s done in a ‘good cause’. I have been considering when I have lied, or been less than honest in order to get my own way, to get me out of trouble…. I have looked at how my keeping silent could be as much a lie as the words uttered.
It’s uncomfortable for me to search in this way, particularly as I strive to be someone with integrity, to be truthful and honourable, someone prepared to stand up and be counted. It’s OK for me to be that way until I find myself in a situation which tests this!!!
One question keeps knocking at my door ‘Is it ever acceptable to lie?’
Last week, a friend and I began to discuss ‘money’ and our financial situations, mine in particular. I realise quite quickly that is an uncomfortable conversation for me, not a subject that I broach easily or willingly, not least because I’ve grown up with the belief that ‘we don’t speak about money issues, especially if you aren’t doing as well as you should/could/others are’.
However, maybe because I’ve been asking myself about truth and honesty recently, I decided to continue, to speak about the volatility of my work in relation to money and my concerns about my present financial situation. To be honest.
As a theatre producer and performer, I spend many months – sometimes years – preparing a project, through the writing, planning, fundraising, devising stages. Until recently I worked alongside my husband and business partner, John, so we shared this load. When one of us was creating a project the other would be earning money with another project at a different stage of development. John always took care of the finances, the figures. However in recent years as John became more ill I shouldered more business responsibility and less money was coming into our pot, waiting for the productions to be at a stage of readiness… it’s a risky business, theatre!
So, amidst a feeling of great shame and foolishness, I continued to discuss my plans about how to grow my business in the aftermath of John’s death. Now I have no choice but to pay bills, raise invoices, tackle VAT quarters, submit end of year accounts, be more careful about outgoings. Now I know why John was exasperated at my ability to shop without ever looking at prices…
My friend listened patiently as I said that I’d come, rather late to the table, to begin to better control my expenditure. I felt embarrassed to admit that, having been in business and self-employed for over quarter of a century, I was only now coming to this basic realisation.
My friend gently pointed out how generous and abundant in my dealings I am – I basked a little in this praise – continuing that although this is a fantastic quality it surely means that I spend a lot more than necessary and prudent at this time. Perhaps I find it difficult to receive, he said, and that that people take me for granted. I didn’t really want him to continue this painful line of enquiry, but he was definitely on a roll. He made many observations, one, seemly small one, that I seem to travel a lot to meetings. Why don’t you have a conference call rather than drive half way across the country, he questioned. I felt awkward again, hearing the truth. I started to justify myself, to explain how important it is to meet face to face, rambling on about personal connections, I trailed off and thankfully we our conversation turned to other things.
Later, on my way home his words played around in my brain. I realised that listening to truth, however unpleasant, is as essential a component of ‘truth’ as speaking it is. Additionally it occurred to me that voicing my concerns to him about money had enabled me to be more honest with myself.
Now I began to worry that my friend would think less of me, not want to be associated with me if I wasn’t doing as well, financially, as he might have thought. I know that money is not the only indicator of success but if, in business, we make ourselves vulnerable by being so frank and open about times that are tight financially, does that make business colleagues and partners less likely to work to want to with me in the future? I know of many (hugely successful) people who have ‘rolled the dice’ without telling anyone how precarious their situation is – is this a lie or just good business sense?
These big questions played in my mind that night, along with others that seemed more mundane.
I was due to drive to a meeting with my good friend and marketing collaborator, Hayley, the following morning and wondered if it would be possible and acceptable to change this to a ‘face-time’ phone call. Instead of it being an easy question to answer I wrestled with it as I fell asleep, waking periodically throughout the night agitated.
I tried to reason: we were both due to drive one hour to our meeting (half way between us) so the return journey was two hours each – a total of four hours between us, for a one hour meeting. I thought about all the things we could both do in the hours we weren’t driving. All very sensible but what would be Hayley’s response? Would she be disappointed, would it adversely affect our productivity and brainstorming? Would it indicate my lack of abundance?
I continued to toss the questions around in my brain, tying myself in knots. Perhaps I could tell her that I wasn’t feeling very well, or that my daughter was sick – great a sympathy vote, Hayley has children too. Throughout the night I kept coming back to one statement ‘Tell the truth Danyah’. Why was it so difficult to contemplate telling the truth? I didn’t want Hayley to think that she didn’t matter to me, that I was cancelling the appointment because it wasn’t important to me, that I was inadequate – so I came up with more and more elaborate reasons for a conference call. The storyteller in me was having a field day, it was ideal sitcom material!
Needless to say that after such a night of turmoil I woke with a pounding, splitting headache. I laughed to myself, the irony. There was no way I could drive anywhere this morning whether I wanted to or not. The perfect opt-out.
I texted Hayley to ask if we could speak on the phone instead of meeting. Her reply was swift ‘Yes, no problem for me’. We agreed a time.
When we began to chat I decided to tell her the truth, to ‘confess’. After I shared my story of anguish she roared with laughter and said ‘I don’t know why you were so worried. To be honest, I was rather thrilled when you suggested we speak on the phone ‘cos I have such a full and busy day today that I could do with the extra hours’.
Our conference meeting went well and we achieved everything necessary, in fact I suspect it was far more focused than a face to face meeting would have been.
My day flowed and I achieved a great deal. Looking back, as I write this, I can’t see why it caused me so much grief, it all seems so simple in hindsight.
I will continue to contemplate honesty, truth, lies and storytelling, where one begins and the other ends. But I will also take from this experience the knowledge and understanding that it’s OK for me to be vulnerable, to speak my truth and, that when I do, it’s a wonderful way to deeply – although sometimes uneasily – connect with another. By living truthfully I set myself, and others, free.
As for controlling my expenditure, well that’s definitely an ongoing project. But – to be honest – I’m secretly rather enjoying the challenge of it, particularly the thrill of finding ways to reduce my outgoings, seeing where money comes to me and building my business in readiness for my next big production.
What’s your experience with being truthful? How do we ensure that we teach children about the truth and to be truthful? Do you think it’s ever acceptable to lie – and if so what circumstances? Gosh it’s a big subject isn’t it!!! Would love to hear your views if you fancy sharing them with me